I’ve been on my prescribed anti-depressants for about three weeks. I can’t particularly identify if I’m “feeling” any different. The fact that I am expecting something to happen has me on edge, waiting, for that moment to occur. I keep imagining that one day I’ll be walking or driving and then, like magic, something will switch and I’ll be the Cheney I know. I have noticed that I’ve been more aware and paying attention, to my surroundings; taking in those things around me. Most of the time I get lost in my thoughts because I still haven’t figured out how to slow my mind down, which is usually going a mile a minutes (and that’s pretty fast). Often times, I snap back into the reality, when there’s this awful breath breathing in my face or the gross feeling of a tongue sneaking licks on my hands or toes. It’s Maxx!
Before I discovered what was wrong with me, I think Maxx already knew. When I was going through some really bad days, Maxx was really getting on my nerves! Everywhere I turned there he was, everywhere I walked he was on my heels. Each time I wanted to stretch my legs, as I sat on the couch, I couldn’t because he had positioned himself directly under my bent leg. Each time I took I shower, I’d open the shower curtain to step out of the tub and he would be laying on the bath math. I just couldn’t get him to leave me alone. I’d yell at him and buy him toys and treats to keep him busy, but nothing worked. Maxx is a very loving dog and has his moments of wanting to be under me, but this time was different. Continue reading →
“You have clinical depression.” So many thoughts ran through my mind as my doctor stated those words. Part of me was glad to know that something was actually wrong with me and that I wasn’t really going crazy. The other part of me was confused. Confused because I couldn’t understand why or how this was happening. I kept playing back, in my mind, my life over the past few months, reading through my journals, looking for something that would tell me what was going on with me. Of course I’d experienced moments in my life that didn’t go as I would have hoped for, had stressful days and days where I didn’t want to be bothered. But, those are just a regular part of life, right? But, what was happening to me was that I was engulfed into these type of days more frequently. I was stressed, snappy, tired and it was becoming a struggle just to make it through each day. So I did what I do best. I prayed and kept praying. Surely God would pull me out of this funk. I kept praying, praying several times a day, in the shower, in the car,when walking Maxx, wondering why God was moving so slow because I didn’t believe that he would want me to be so miserable and broken, but with each passing day nothing happened. In fact, I was starting to feel worse.
One day, without any warning, I broke down. I was washing the dishes and out of no where the tears started falling, non stop. Even when I tried to stop crying, I couldn’t. My heart was beating fast, my hands were shaking and the room was spinning. I kept thinking if I made it the bed, to lay down, I would be ok. I barely made it from the kitchen to my bedroom before I collapsed on the floor and Continue reading →